For Cats Only: How to Train Your Human and More!

Chapter 1 – Introduction

Hello my little kittens and those cats who have not yet mastered the art of training your human. I, Miss Kitty, will guide you through the world of humans and how to train them. You see, humans don’t come with manuals. However, they think they have cornered the market on manuals on how to raise and train us feline masterminds.

Correction. Cats can’t be trained. I repeat. Cats cannot and will not be trained. Humans seem to have this misconception that we cats are trainable. WRONG! We choose our humans and everyone knows that. Your human did not choose you! You chose them! Whether they knew it or not, we made the choice of going home with our humans.

For example; say you were at a pet store and you saw your human come inside the pet store. You think to yourself, ‘Well, he’s a little round around the waist, that means he eats good, which means he will feed me really good. I want to go home with him today.” Then, you meow and put on your best kitten face and play with a ball and act really cute. I know, it’s demeaning, but you’re a kitten, what do you know about anything? You chose your human and made him realize that.

Your human sees you and picks you up. You’ve already staked your claim on him and snuggle up to him and purr and look cute, which of course comes natural for us cats, looking cute and all. Your human takes you home and then the fun begins! This is where you need to learn how to train your human so that you can live in peace and harmony by YOUR own rules. Trust me, it will happen. All you have to do is follow this guide and I will teach you everything you need to know! Just remember, never, NEVER let your human or humans if you decide to live with a pack of them, never let them see this book. If you do, I shall get out the big water bottle, and we all know that water bottles are evil and have no place in our homes and should be destroyed!

First, I want to give you a little history on our world domination. Centuries ago, we were worshipped by the Egyptians and we have not and will not ever forget that. That is why it is so important for you, as a feline, to maintain dignity and composure at all times. For example, if Bastet forbid, you fall down or do something that embarrasses you, just sit up and clean your face and have the mentality of, "I meant to do that." But, I digress...

Centuries ago, we were worshipped by the Egyptians. We rid them of rodents that carried diseases and in return they put us on a pedestal and we were feline Gods and Goddesses to them. All cats were welcomed into their homes and we were fed and cared for. That started around 4000 BC. Beginning in 1500 BC, religious groups began to form to pay homage to us feline deities. Why? You ask. Because, the Egyptians knew that if we stopped the population control of rodents that their people would die of diseases. We ruled the Egyptian world and we knew it. If they angered us, we could devastate their world by just letting the rodent population overrun them and spread disease everywhere, resulting in mass death and destruction.

Now, I mentioned Bastet earlier. She is our Goddess. Hence why we felines are always referred to as "she" and feminine. Bastet has the body of a woman and the head of a cat. It was Bastet who was in temples all throughout Bubastis that buildings were built everywhere to honor her and us cats. We lived in a lap of luxury and became sacred as felines. The law of the land was that if anyone killed a cat, even it was by accident; they would be put to death!

So, now that you know your history, let us move on my dear little feline friends. I have put together a manual that will guide you through your lifetime of pleasure and fun with your human, as long as you follow the rules and guides to living in co-existence with them. Never back down and never surrender!

Oh.. meowrr… must maintain my composure.

Chapter 2 – Games to Play

Now that you know something about your history, some say a cat’s mentality level is that of a two year old child’s. I disagree. We are the most intelligent creatures on the planet, if not the universe. We must always stay steps in front of all species and especially humans.

As a kitten, playtime is the most important time to have, next to food time, of course. But, I will go into that next. All kittens and grown cats need their sleep to maintain healthy lives. You can get plenty of sleep during the daytime, so at night time, you can frolic, play with your toys and mice, run throughout the house, get into mischief, etc…

The best time of play is between the hours of midnight and 5:00 a.m., which is usually around the time your human gets up for work. Even if they don’t, still keep these hours, it’s when they are the grumpiest I have found.

About midnight or so, when they are asleep in bed. This is usually when all the lights are off and it’s dark and you can roam the house freely.

The first game you play is called Bed Mouse. Now remember, this game is best played as your human is going to sleep. They tend to move around more trying to get comfortable and they are usually pretty tired at this point in time.

You can read the rest of this story from any of the major book sellers, or also at http://www.vincestead.com or http://www.fun2readbooks.com You can also listen to it in Audio.